Stuperific Thoughts by Futboldan

Just trying to figure out how to put pics of family in here.

2009-03-13T22:29:00.001-07:00

I wish my head was a helium balloon.

2007-09-29T19:40:00.000-07:00

Wouldn't it be cool if your head was really a helium balloon? Just think about it. You could look however you wanted with an erasable marker. Want to be happy, just draw a smile. Sad, erase the smile and draw a frown. If you see somebody you don't want to recognize you, just erase your blue eyes and use a brown marker. Draw a mole or two and then make your nose bigger or smaller.

It would also be really hard to insult somebody with a balloon for a head. Try it. For example, you could be called an air head and it would be true. If somebody tells you to let off some steam, you could let a little air out, this would also work for a "big head" too.

You would never have to worry about a hat that didn't fit, cause you could change the size of your head at will.

Another plus is the fact that you would never drown. Yep, your head could be used as a flotation device.

There are a few downers though. You would never be able to pierce a part of your head.... Police officer asks what happened and the poor lady with the needle gun says "I just put this needle gun to his ear and his head exploded."

Static charge would be a pain also. If you ever dragged (drug? not sure what the past tense subjunctive form is for drag) your feet, you would run the risk of your head getting stuck to walls.

You would also have a really annoying voice. It may be funny for a while, but would anybody want to hear that voice all the time.

Now that I think about it, maybe a Helium balloon for a head isn't such a great idea. A jelly-doughnut though...

Laters,

Dan, the deflating man, Smith

De-poopifying the stupified masses.

2007-07-23T12:51:00.000-07:00

It is six days short of one year since my last post. I have a son that turns one on the 25th, but can't really blame him for my lack of posts. Instead, I will blame grass. Not the drug kind, but the kind you mow. If you're not trimming it, you are weeding, watering, fertilizing, chasing dogs off it and the de-poopifying it. It never ends.

After that last sentence, you should all be feeling a wee bit dumber and are now ready to get to know me. I am usually against deep thinking and other brain busting use of my noggin, but I thought this was a great idea. My wife is doing it, my in-laws are doing it, everybody is doing it, so now I will do it. My wife was sent an email or something that asked her to fill out a list of 101 things about herself and then post them to her blog. Have fun reading and please understand that I am not liable for any emotional trauma you may suffer from getting to understand me better.

101 Little Known Facts About Daniel A. Smith:
1. I claim chartreuse as my favorite cause it sounds cool, even though it is butt-ugly
2. Red is my real favorite color
3. I was an Art Major when I started college
4. I actually find accounting more interesting than art
5. I want to own my own Accounting Firm at some point in my life
6. I also want to earn a living playing video games
7. I was a Halo addict
8. I do not own a video game system any more and will not let my kids get one
9. I like to dream I can fly
10. Sometimes I will lay down at night and try to make myself lift off the bed
11. I have never actually succeeded in flying
12. I was an all-American goalkeeper
13. Soccer has always been my favorite activity
14. I have been knocked unconscious 11 times, broken my nose 4, broken every finger and toe but my ring finger, broken more ribs than I can count, cracked my cheek bone and nasal passage, broken my shin and spiral fractured my left arm playing goalie
15. I have broken more bones on other people than have been broken on me
16. Part of the reason I like to play goalie is the rush as I dive in front of a charging attacker
17. I think that I am slightly crazy
18. It drives me nuts if my wife adjusts the nobs in the car
19. I don't get cold, unless I am sick
20. If I get busy, I forget to eat
21. I forget to eat a lot
22. I secretly fear that I will die before I see my family grow up
23. I wish that I could stay home with my family all day and not work
24. I am a jerk sometimes and I enjoy it
25. I think I should have been born in the medieval period
26. I love Dungeons & Dragons and anything related to Knights, Dragons and Wizards
27. I am studying for the CPA exam
28. I think I can pass all four sections on the first try, but am afraid I will not pass any
29. I like my gray hair
30. I do not want any more gray hair
31. I love the way it feels to hold my two little boys
32. I am scared to death to have a daughter
33. I think a daughter would make my family complete
34. I have always wondered if what I see as green is the same color that you see as green, or if my green is your red
35. Zoolander is my favorite movie of all time
36. I almost kissed Tannie (my wife) when I was engaged to another girl
37. I never kissed or cheated on a girl in any way
38. I have never tasted or had any part of tobacco in my life
39. I know the answer to "What would Jesus do?"
40. I have kissed fewer girls than I have fingers
41. I love to float underwater and feel and hear nothing
42. I like the fact that I have big feet
43. I think Tannie and I make a good match
44. I think I was lucky to have caught Tannie
45. I am so single minded, that when I read, I literally cease to hear anything around me
46. I thought I was a better artist than my wife in high school
47. Now I think I was wrong and just overconfident
48. I like taxes
49. It wasn't until I moved to Texas that I learned to like Bar-B-Que
50. The one profession I would like more than accounting and full-time video playing is Chef
51. I think I would get bored of video games after about a week of playing non-stop
52. I want to run with the bulls in Spain
53. When a confrontation occurs (that does not involve my family), I am a chicken and only think/do the brave things in my head
54. I got in the face of a guy who was screaming at my mom when we were swimming laps. I unnerved him enough so that he backed off and I was only fourteen.
55. I took Brazilian Ju-Jitsu for a year
56. I have performed CPR twice and they lived both times
57. I was so scared after performing CPR that I cried
58. I hate lazy people. Not the kind that have lazy moments, but the kind that always have an excuse as to why their life is bad.
59. I actually like being alone more than being with people (my wife is the exception. she is my better half)
60. I am an introvert by nature, but have had to develop my extrovert facade in order to make it in the world
61. I hate being told what to do and will do the opposite sometimes just because I was told to do something
62. Tannie thinks I am the most stubborn person in the world. I really just hate change
63. I think I would not be a good member of our church if I did not have my Wife as an example.
64. I am physically addicted to Dr. Pepper
65. NARF!
66. I have no brain to mouth barrier
67. Most of the time, it doesn't bother me that there is no barrier
68. Poop is one of my favorite words
69. I am embarrassed by my teeth
70. I have a droopy eye that doesn't open as far as the other and really bugs me when I see my photo
71. I trained as a goalie with current members of the US National soccer team (not to be translated as trained with the US soccer team)
72. Breaking my arm and ending my soccer career was one of the best things that could have happened to me. I got to rep[lace that dream with my family and current career
73. I want to be successful, so that I can share the money with my family and make life easier for them
74. I want to do a one month survival course
75. I have a knack for being the center of negative attention, but am not usually the one at fault
76. I think I am too emotional
77. I want to live on a beach
78. My favorite vacation activity (most of the time) is to sit in the house and watch T.V.
79. The only reason I dress half-way decent is cause my wife has a good sense of style
80. I hate going to bed before midnight
81. I really wanted Logan's (my youngest son) middle name to be Ender
82. My favorite books are "A Separate Peace", "Ender's Game", and The Wheel of Time series
83. I have an almost photographic memory of faces and can recognize people that I saw once ten years ago, but have troubles remembering the name of people I have worked with every day for five years
84. I have a really hard time distinguishing between background noise and the person speaking to me
85. One of the Partners dislikes me for some unknown reason, but thinks that I should be promoted
86. I love to make people that dislike me have to promote, respect or acknowledge that I am good at what I do
87. I have developed the memory of a goldfish when it comes to "To Do" lists that people give me
88. I am a workaholic by nature
89. I can fall asleep in almost any situation within five minutes
90. I can't remember lyrics or movie lines to save my life
91. My favorite music groups are The Beach Boys, Toadies, Queen and Offspring (in that order)
92. I am proud of the power of my flatulence and that I once cleared a school bus on the way to a swim meet
93. I am glad that my wife finds my flatulence embarrassing
94. I think my wife is the perfect height
95. I like to smell my wife when I give her a hug
96. I want my boys to grow up to be better men than I am
97. I want a Velcro room in the corner of my office in my dream home
98. I have always wanted to play in a pool (full-size) of pudding as long as it isn't banana
99. I wonder if X-ray vision is really all it is cracked up to be
100. I want to write a book about all of the unique experiences I have had
101. I think that my wife invented the greatest character name in the world. Dorkus Butsnark

I am glad we had this little moment together. Hopefully, you will not receive a perma-stupification.

Later

His diaper made me do it!

2006-07-29T18:57:00.000-07:00

It has been a couple of months since I last updated my blog, but I have had a lot happening. To start with, I have moved my family from Utah to Texas and started a new job. Other than the fact that it took four days to drive and for some reason, my ankles turned into cankles, everything went pretty smoothly. My cankles have now been upgraded to ankles again and I will never have to spend that much time in a Penske truck again.

The only other exciting thing that happened on the trip was the flat tire that left me stranded and waiting for a repairman and the lesson I learned about unloading a car from a car trailer. If you have ever seen a car on a trailer moving down a hill with no truck attached to it, you will know what I mean. Let me just say that it is more exciting from the inside of the car and that the breaks in a car only work when the car is actually on the street and not on the trailer.

Besides the move and new job, we have moved into a new house. We learned our lesson from the house we owned in Albuquerque. It took three full-size dump trucks to haul away all the trimmings, weeds and other stuff that I removed from that yard. This time, we decided that the "less is more" theory was a good choice. The less work we have to do on the house the ... Actually, it seems like there is always more work to do on a house. I guess the theory is really "less here is more somewhere else." We love the house and it is perfect for our family.

What does the title of this blog have to do with the body of the blog? Nothing to this point, but now for the main reason behind the blog. Logan Zachary Smith was born to Tannie and I on July 25, 2006 at 11:48 am, after 29 hours of labor. Actually, it was 2 hours and 45 minutes, but people who were in labor for a long time don't think it is fair we had a short labor. When I say we, I really mean Tannie. I really didn't do anything.

Most men would say that they were there with there wife. They supported her, soothed her, gave her massages, etc. Not me. For fathers that have been called away from home and can't get back in time, they are "there in spirit." Not me. I was there physically, but that was about all. Take a look below.

Me, Birthing Fluids, Floor. Any questions?

All I really remember of the birth is holding Tannie's hand and leg one second and telling the nurse that she had better hold the leg because I felt dizzy. The next thing I knew, there was a pillow under my head and the nurse was in my face asking if I could hear her. I guess it took about three other four minutes before I could. (For all you soon to be fathers, this is the best way to go through the birth. You get a pillow, your own nurse, and they even bring you orange juice!)

After all the excitement, this is what we got for all of Tannie's efforts.

Logan Zachary Smith, 8lbs 8oz, 19 5/8"

Having a baby is sure a lot of fun, but it takes a while to realize that it was fun. Between the lack of sleep, messy diapers, being peed on constantly, a really exhausted and sore wife and a two-and-a-half year-old Jedi named Austin (Did I mention being peed on a lot?) you tend to get a little frazzled.Austin the Jedi

Frazzled? Yes, frazzled! Between Tuesday afternoon and Thursday afternoon, when we took Logan home, I ran into the hospital doors, read a magazine twice and didn't realize it was the same one until later, and missed the turn to my own house. Now that we are home, life is back to normal. Just kidding. Austin loves his brother sooooooooooo much, we fear that poor Logan may get smothered by it. And somehow, this little guy produces more poop than Austin, Tannie and I combined. How is that possible? I can hardly think of a time in the last few days when we have been able to get the first diaper completely changed without having to get a new one because he pooped or peed again while we were changing him.

Well, that is enough about poop, pee, diapers and Jedi's. Here are a few more pictures of our happy family. The force is strong in this young Jedi. Adios!

I am surprised by what I do and don't know

2006-05-16T13:14:00.000-07:00

Ten Things I Don't Know:

1. I don't know how much water I can put in my mouth before it starts dribbling down my chin, but it would be really helpful if I did.

2. I don't know how to play a musical instrument other than the nose harmonica.

3. I don't know why boys think bodily noises are funny.

4. I don't know why the oldest girl in Narnia makes me want to strangle myself and then set myself on fire.

5. I don't know how my little brother was able to get a hold of the "Dumbies guide to making Dan insane before the age of 16" manual. As far as I know, he had the only copy.

6. I don't know how my wife doesn't stab me with a spoon or anything else that is near at hand when I decide that it's "Let's bug Tannie time."

7. I don't know how Austin, my son, can be such a cool little kid, but be MY son. I know what I was like as a little kid.

8. I don't know how the little nerdy kid with the toothpick body frame and parted hair became this strapping young lad that writes such witty blogs.

9. I really don't know how I became so humble.

10. The last thing I don't know is what I don't know.

Ten Things I Do Know:

1. I know that if you yell "don't look", everybody within earshot will turn to see why they shouldn't look.

2. I know that yawns are contagious. If you watch somebody yawn, you will end up yawning also.

3. I also know that when changing a little boy's diaper, cold air will always get a reaction and that your face isn't necessarily the best thing to block that reaction with.

4. I know that little babies are devious creatures and that they purposefully spit up on your best silk ties.

5. I know that my wife is the best kisser in the universe.

6. I know that the last thing I said made everybody but my wife a little embarrassed and that it made my wife really embarrassed.

7. I know that it really hurts to wax your chest.

8. I know that even an 18-year old can get his head stuck under a bed.

9. I know that flatulence is just natures way of letting people know that their noses still work.

10. Lastly, I know that if your bum cheeks went left to right instead of up and down, slides would be a lot less fun and make flapping sounds instead of squeaking ones.

Yes, I even know that everybody reading this blog is overwhelmed by the breadth of my knowledge. For those of you that feel a lack of knowledge after reading this blog, don't fret, even you can aspire to these heights.

Dan Smith (a.k.a. Big Brain)

What's the worst that could happen?

2006-05-15T14:38:00.000-07:00

What's the worst that could happen?

I love that phrase. In my experience, nobody uses that phrase unless they think they have all their bases covered. I think it is synonymous with the "pride comes before the fall." As many people know, my last day of employment with PricewaterhouseCoopers will be this Friday. I am excited about my new job and am finding it hard to concentrate or even care about what I am doing at PwC. As I was talking with one of my managers, they used the phrase I opened with. That started me thinking (a momentous occasion if there ever was one) about what IS the worst that could happen? Here are a few situations I came up with and what I see as the worst that could happen.

Situation 1:
You are on an African Safari and spilled some of your steak sandwich in your shirt without realizing it. What's the worst that could happen? As I see it, the worst that could happen isn't that you would be attacked and eaten by Lions, Hyenas, or other wildlife. That would be the best. After all, you didn't take me on the safari. The only way that would be the worst, is if I was also there. Then I would feel bad for you. And even being eaten on a safari isn't the worst. If you died, then you are done suffering. No, the worst would be if the lion or some other creature ate your nose. Not only would you look funny, but you could never wake-up and smell the roses, cut-off your nose to spite your face, and the worst part is you could never sneeze properly again. Think about it. If you sneezed hard enough, you might find your brain in your hanky.

Situation 2:
You are on your way to see your family, but run out of gas on the side of the freeway in a city known for its high amount of crime. What is the worst that could happen? This one is easy. You could accept a ride from a couple of aliens. Everybody knows that Albuquerque has a high crime rate and alien abductions are pretty high with Roswell, NM so close. The only thing I really need to say as to why this is the worst, has to do with the slap of rubber gloves and those alien abduction rumors.

Situation 3:
You are on a deserted island with another person and there is only one coconut. Yes, there are sandy beaches and the beautiful ocean, but the person you are stuck with is of the same gender as you. What is the worst that could happen? Well, the two of you decide to make the most of your time on the island and share the milk, but he/she refuses to wear the coconut bikini you made out of the two haves of the shell. This is the worst, because now you won't be able to see the after dinner show. (You are the show)

Situation 4:
You are dreaming that you are giving a speech in front of your church, office, etc and realize that you are naked. Not only that, but you dream that you are falling off a cliff at the same time. What is the worst that could happen? Just before you hit the ground, you forget what you were going to say in closing, thereby ruining what could have been a great speech, and also realize that you aren't really dreaming.

Situation 5:
You are reading a blog in the hope that it will lead you to a deeper and more meaningful life. What's the worst that could happen? You realize that the thoughts and ideas expressed in this blog ARE the deepest and most meaningful thoughts of your life and that you are better because of this reading.

I find it a bit ironic that when I run the spell-checker provided with this blog service, the word blog is not in the dictionary.

Live long and prosper,

Dan Smith (a.k.a. The deep end of the gene pool)

Happy Mother's Day Tannie!

2006-05-14T15:13:00.000-07:00

Let me preface this blog by saying that although you might enjoy this blog, it is a blog specifically intended for my Hot, Beautiful, Cool, Funny, Cuddly, Hugalicious, Kissarific, Intelligent, Stylish, Hardworking, Spiritually Enlightened, Senorita of the Sexy Pants, Wife, Tannie. To all the world, I LOVE TANNIE!

Tannie,

I know it isn't the same as a regular Mother's Day, but your real Mother's Day will come next week. So instead of the normal stuff, here are all the ideas I had for helping you enjoy Mother's Day this week.. (Obviously, I chose the last one, but read and enjoy)

Ideas:

1. Have flowers delivered. This is your standard, everyday, "garden" variety Mother's Day gift. Yes, it does make Mothers feel special, but you are not your standard, everyday, "garden" variety mother. Since they don't make spectacularificly, gorgetastic flowers, I decided to stay away from the flowers.

2. Have a pizza delivered with the phrase "Happy Mother's Day Tannie" made out of Pepperoni. This idea was also shot down after a few minutes of thought. It is hard to think like a female. If you had received this, you would have been a little perplexed and thought it was funny, but there would have been no special love feeling that is supposed to occur upon receipt of a Mother's Day gift. For a guy, nothing could say I love you more than a pizza. Again, this was shot down because you are a sexy girl, not a guy.

3. Drive to Texas today to see you and wish you a Happy Mother's Day. Since there is no way I could get to Texas before Mother's Day was over, this idea was left as just that, an idea.

4. Buy you a house. I thought long and hard about this, but I don't think it is within our budget to have two houses, so you will just have to enjoy the one we just bought.

5. Give you a massage. This is a great idea. The only problem is about 1200 miles. Since my arms aren't that long and since I would prefer that I be the only one to give you a massage, you will have to accept the alternative. What is that you ask? A brain massage. If your brain doesn't feel a little mushy after reading this, then all I can say is that I tried. (The brain massage you are experiencing is not my Mother's Day gift to you, it is only a pleasant side effect.)

6. Send you an email. Although that would be fairly simple and I could tell you how much I love you, it just seemed lame.

7. Make a blog specifically for you, so that the entire world can know how much I love you. They can all see that I am the luckiest guy in the world to have found a wife that cares so much for me and our children. I am proud of you and hope you know I miss you a ton and love you even more. (Yes, even when personality 1000 is in charge of my brain). By the way, you should be happy to know that for the first time in the history of my brain, all personalities are getting a long and have unanimously voted to let you know they created this blog together and that they all love you.

I love you Senorita Sexy-Pants

Mr. Whistlebritches (a.k.a Your husband, a.k.a Dan)

I embarrassed myself in front of all my personalities

2006-05-09T10:26:00.000-07:00

When we moved to Texas my senior year in high school, the five of us were stuck living in a Best Western motel for about a month. As can be imagined, we were a little cramped. The three of us kids rotated between sleeping in the queen bed for a week and then a sleeping bag. One of the running jokes was that each night, we would say good-night to each other and then I would start talking to myself. "Good-night" I would say and then answer with a "Good-night" to myself. After which, I would ask "What about me? Don't I get a good-night?" This would go on for about five minutes, at which point somebody would tell me to be quiet (usually it was me telling myself to be quiet).

What is the point of this little story you ask? Everybody needs a split personality. They come in very handy.

For example. Most people that know me fairly well (translated as more than five minutes), know that I have no brain-to-mouth barrier. I tend to say things first and then think about them later. With my "multiple personalities" however, there is always somebody to blame. "That wasn't me, it was me" was one of my personal favorites. Or, "I'm sorry, I took over and couldn't get control of myself before I said that." The great thing about the multiple personalities is that if somebody does get mad or hurt feelings, they aren't really mad at you, but at you. It is great.

All of me have worked out a plan. If I am grouchy, then it is not really me, but me #666. If I say something smart, then that is me #1, funny is me #2, stupid is me #A, and so forth. There are also some mute me's. They are the ones that are present when I am getting yelled at or in trouble. They are also the ones that come up with a lot of my "bad" ideas. That means that I am not getting in trouble or made fun of, but I am.

The great thing about multiple personalities is that you can develop them for specific situations. I am headed to Texas again in a few weeks and as fortune would have it, I will be living with ten other people, two of which are pregnant. This is the perfect opportunity to use my other personalities. Being human, there WILL come a point in time when the lack of a brain-to-mouth barrier will get me in trouble with at least all of the family I will be staying with. Unless it is personality #999, it won't be intentional. How do you deal with so many people that have different sensitivities and relationships? It may seem hard, but with numerous personalities, it doesn't have to be.

If somebody says something insensitive to me this is what I will do. I will put mute personality #226 in charge. He will get offended, but won't be able to say anything mean back. Then I switch out #226 for personality #342, which will try to understand why the person would say or do such a thing. Personality #342 will then tell #7 what the cause of the insensitivity was (did we hurt their feelings first and this is a response, are they just out of their element and this is their way of dealing with it, or are they just dumby faces). Finally, #7 will come up with a response that takes into account the fact that what was said was most likely not intentional, not meant to hurt the feelings of #226, and will help the offender understand that what they said was inappropriate or that there is a better way of saying it. This will be communicated from #7 to #1. #1 will then communicate this to the individual in a way that is probably not the best way but well intentioned. Hopefully, the other person also has numerous personalities and can find an effective means of dealing with the fact that when you have so many people with their own life's and ways of interacting with each other, there will be hurt feelings and toes will be stepped on, but that we all love each other and it isn't intentional.

The only flaw that I have found to the "Multiple Personality" system, is that there has yet to be a personality that can speak to a beautiful and attractive pregnant wife without saying or doing something that brings down the wraith of the "Bearer of the Baby." See what I mean about no brain-to-mouth barrier. And by the way, the lack of a barrier is usually the cause of the wraith.

#1 through 765, but not 766 through 1000 (a.k.a. Dan Smith)

I am a Jiggly Giraffe

2006-04-25T19:43:00.000-07:00

After 28 years, 3 months and a handful of days, I have finally discovered who has the power in my family. A lot of you are probably thinking my wife, and although she has more than me, the answer would be wrong. Toddlers are the most powerful people in the world.

Here is an example. We were sitting around watching a little TV the other night and watching my son play in front of us. After a few minutes, he got up and started running in circles around the partition wall that separates the office area from the living room. After running a few warm-up laps, he wanted "Dada: to join him. I, of course, was tired, but was somehow persuaded to join him. We ran laps for about 25 minutes at which point I was tired and he was wound up. I do not believe that there is another person on the face of this planet that could convince me top run around in circles for 25 minutes. That is power.

Here is another example. I think adults lose the power to cry on demand. I know, the people in Hollywood can do it, but are they really any better or mature than a two-year old? Anyway, look at what we do to keep them from crying. We make funny faces, run to the other side of the house to find the toy they want, and the really good ones do something wrong and then get that "cute little cuddly teddy bear look" and then you end up huggin them instead of disciplining them.

The other day, Austin was supposed to eat his dinner, which he will fight us on occasionally. Instead of eating, though, he kept playing with this little giraffe toy that jiggled when you wound up the tail. When I saw that the dancing giraffe made him laugh (don't kid yourself, we all laugh at dancing giraffes), I thought what a great way to get him to eat. He takes a bite and then I make the giraffe dance. The idea being positive reinforcement. I think I was outwitted by a two-year old. After the second or third bite, the giraffe wasn't funny anymore. So "Dada" started jiggling with the giraffe. Eventually, I realized that this was his master plan all along. He would wait for me to jiggle and dance, then he would take a bite. He knew what he wanted. He didn't want us to just dine him. He wanted a dinner and a show!

Now that I have accepted the fact that my son is brighter than I ever was and that he can manipulate me at any time he chooses, life has become much easier. I have found a routine that works and show times are at 8 am, 12 noon and 5pm. I thought I was a the king of my castle, but it turns out that I am really the jester.

I better go, this Giraffe has got to Jiggle.

Dan Smith (a.k.a. Court Jester)

Twice the Pleasure, Twice the Dumb

2006-04-24T13:10:00.000-07:00

There are some things in life that you have to have two of. Here are a few examples:

Twins! Can you imagine what the world would be like without twins? There would be no kids walking around in identical outfits and confusing everybody. The Weasly family from Harry Potter wouldn't be nearly as entertaining. Think of the parents that wouldn't have that nagging suspicion in the back of their mind that they might have gotten the twins mixed up when they gave them a bath. The worst thing would be that T.V shows would have to stop using the stupid joke about dating twins. Actually, that might help raise the quality of television.

The Roman Numeral for 2 (II). Would the Roman Empire have risen to greatness if they could never get past I (Roman Numeral for 1)? I can just see them trying to count their armies now. Caesar would ask his generals; "How many soldiers are they sending against our armies?" The generals would answer "I and I and I and I and......" By the time he finally got the whole answer, Rome would have been invaded. This may be false logic, because Austin seems to count just fine with and he can only say two. He will stand and count "two, two, two" and even though he only has the use of that one number, he still manages to jump on the count of three by only counting to two.

Ears! Now that would be a catastrophe. If people only had one ear, the world would be much different than it is today. If you only had one ear, you would have to keep on turning to hear a sound that wasn't on the same side of your head as your ear. People would get dizzy from spinning so much that the world would come to a stop. Scary, I know.

Two legs are also a requirement. First off, it wouldn't be legs, it would be leg. Nike, Reebok, and all the other big footwear companies would only be half as rich. Would stilts or Pogo sticks ever have been invented? Would a bicycle have only one wheel and become a unicycle? And what would a unicycle with one peddle look like?

Sides of a coin. What would happen if there was only one side to a coin. How many life-changing choices would never have been made? Can you picture the dilemma? I can see Sir Isaac Newton now. "Heads, I sit under the apple tree. Heads (one sided coin), I don't sit under the tree." Which brings me to another question. If Newton "discovered" gravity, then how did people stick to the surface of the earth before it was discovered?

I don't know about the rest of you, but I sure am glad that there are twins!

Dan Smith (a.k.a. ;-P )

Would you like to Supersize that Stupidity Combo?

2006-04-10T12:45:00.000-07:00

Here is a list of what I consider the ten dumbest things in the world:

1. Bricks (Dumb as a brick)
2. People in swimming pools that yell at their kids, friends or acquaintances "don't get me wet". (Sunbathers are not in the pool and are therefore, not on the dumbest list)
3. Mopeds! (Why not put a sign on your back that says "Please run me over.")
4. Inches! (Who decided that it was easier to count by twelve than ten?)
5. Inspector 308. (Can somebody that inspects jeans for a living be found in the deep end of the gene pool?)
6. Teenagers. (Having been one, I can vouch for the lack of intelligence.)
7. Illiterate people. (If they can't read this, then they are dumb.)
8. Cartoon makers. (If you compare the cartoons from the past with those found today, they have actually gotten worse in both content and artistic style. No wonder kids are getting dumber from sitting in front of the TV all day.)
9. Mothers that take their teenage kids to McDonald's to play on the toys. (See story below.)

I like to think of myself as having a magnetic personality. The only problem is that I seem to attract unusual situations and strange people like a fly to honey. Tannie wasn't feeling well on Wednesday, so I took Austin to McDonald's so he could run around on the playground they have there and also to get a bite to eat. What a blast! Austin was running around and having fun until "they" showed up.

I need to interject a comment here. I consider myself a reasonably intelligent person. When I was five, I generally understood that you are careful around little kids (they cry if you push them and then you get in trouble) and you don't attract the attention of older kids (you cry when they push you and then get in trouble if you tattle on them).

Back to the story. Obviously, these three 13 or 14 year-olds and by inference, their mother, were not as intelligent as I was at five. I had no problem with the teenagers playing on the McDonald's playscape, as long as they watched out for the little kids. Alas, that was not to be the case. They had been playing for about five minutes, when I saw one of them grab Austin by the face and yank him behind them so they could run up the tube.

I tend to remain calm until a certain point, which is when I explode. I saw the big kid do this and almost lost it then and there. Instead, I gathered a screaming Austin in my arms, gave him a hug and helped him calm down and assumed that the mother would chastise the kid, or at least give him a dirty look. To my surprise, nothing happened.

I kept my cool and let Austin go play again. About two minutes later, I watched as the same hoodlum grabbed Austin and threw him down the stairs and yelled at him to get out of the way. it was at this point that something amazing happened. I became the Incredible Hulk. My muscles bulged and all my clothes started ripping apart. I swooped in and saved Austin, turned his attacker to stone with a glance and descended on the negligent mother. (I really didn't turn into the Incredible Hulk and my clothes, regrettably, didn't start ripping to pieces, although if I had muscles that big it would have been cool. I did freeze the kid where he was with one look though. I think he saw that he was about ten seconds from dying a horrible death.)

I looked at the mother and waited about 30 seconds for her to say or do something. She did not. So I took matters into my own hands. I took my mortally wounded son (You would have thought he was going to die from the screams coming from him) and walked up to the mom and told her that either she was going to do something, or I was. She looked at me like she was confused and so I told her that her 13 year-old son had thrown my two year-old son to the ground twice. She gave me another blank look. Like I said, I was more intelligent at the age of five. I told her that she either needed to control he son, or I was going to have him kicked out of the little kids play area. She couldn't believe I would pick on her kid. "He's only 13" she said. I told her I didn't care and that if she wasn't going to control him, then I was going to speak to the manager. She didn't control him, so I found the manager.

The manager told me to just let it go. That probably wasn't the smartest thing to do to a protective father. I proceeded to tell him that he had two choices. He could go and tell the mother and kids that the signs say you have to be under four feet tall and under nine years old, so they would not be able to play on the toy any more, or I would walk across the street to the McDonald's corporate office and file a complaint against him personally.

He was smart enough to go talk to the mother. She left with her three hooligans. I am still trying to clean off the crusties (dirty looks) she gave me on her way out.

The next day, I was back at McDonald's with Austin and guess who was there. Yep. It was the lady and her three sons. She saw me walk in and immediately gathered her three sons and left. Normally, I would feel bad about intimidating a lady (term used loosely). This time though, I felt good. After the lady had left the day before, a couple of the other parents that were there, came up to me and thanked me because they were worried for their kids too.

Now, for those of you who noticed that number ten was missing from the list above, congratulations! You passed the test. For those of you that didn't notice number ten was missing, you can insert your name here:

10. _______________

Actually, the tenth dumbest thing I can think of is the button fly on jeans. Anybody who has had to use the bathroom in a hurry can testify that when buttons are next to a full bladder, they seem to expand until they are almost impossible to undue. The result being a rather embarrassing accident.

Dan Smith (a.k.a Big Bully)

Ewwww, get that nomenclature off me.

2006-04-04T09:08:00.000-07:00

I have always enjoyed a good word. Not the "Good Word", although I enjoy that also, but a good word. Here are a few of my favorite and why I like them.

Nomenclature: the act of giving a name to something. (Sounds like something you grew in a petri dish back in elementary school).

Gomer: The name of a comedy character. (How could you not like the name Gomer Pile?) What a great name. Not only is it a name, but it is also synonymous with moron. try putting another name in place of Gomer like this. Instead of "You Gomer!", try saying "You Dan!", or "You George!". Doesn't quite have the ring of Gomer.

Orifice: Need I say more. There are very few words that, by themselves, can make you cringe when you here them. Orifice, Orifice, Orifice. What is amazing about this word is the power it has. You can take almost any other word, even funny or nice ones, and add the word orifice and it changes the whole "feeling" generated by the funny word. Here are some examples:

- Funny word: Gomer, Not funny: Gomer's Orifice (translation: Gomer's Mouth)

- Funny word: Abundant, Not funny: There are Abundant Orifices (do we really need more than one?)

Gesticulate: Sounds like somebody with a spitting problem, which could be one form of gesticulation. How I would use the word. "Mom, Christy won't stop gesticulating at me!" It means to signals, especially when speaking. Actually, have you ever noticed those people that can't talk without huge bodily gyrations (another good word)? A single sentence for a normal person is almost like a broadway production for them. I always have a hard time talking to people like that without laughing. I try not to do it, but I try and imagine what it would be like if they had no arms. I don't think they could talk. All I can see is a person that looks like a hot dog would if you held it in the air and shook it back and forth. A wiggly, limp piece of meat.

Undulation: This is a really cool word. Waviness or to make wavy. Is n't it fun to say? You couldn't say "I undulated goodbye" for example. Wrong kind of wave. You could say that the ground seemed to undulate after your first smooch with the woman of your dreams. (that would be my wife Tannie. :)

Last, but certainly not least, is my favorite word. Underpants! It just makes you giggle. You have to be careful when you use a word as strong as underpants. You can't just walk up to somebody and say underpants. You may get a funny look, or you may get 10 to 20 years in a state penitentiary. I think the word is so coolo because of the associations it brings to mind. Here are a few: Tighty-whities, long johns (why not long gregs?), booty, poop (just a fun word), "What ya eating under there?", the list just keeps going.

I know that everybody reading this is feeling much more intelligent. I hope that you will all go out and share your new found knowledge with a stranger (just don't use underpants) and help them to become as articulate as you have now become.

Dan Smith (a.k.a. Captain Underpants)

Somebody shoot the accountant please.

2006-03-27T10:08:00.000-08:00

I have found that the word accountant is the most influential word in the world. When I tell somebody that I am an accountant I get the following responses:

- "That must be boring."
- "You must like math."
- "I hate the IRS."
- "You guys are the cause of Enron."
- "Can you do my taxes?"
- "Hey me too. Are you tax or audit?"

I am going to focus on the "Can you do my taxes?" response. I know everybody is thinking that I should pay more attention to the other exciting response (insert laugh here), but I think you need to contain the excitement.

Can you do my taxes? Such a simple question, but one that has lead to the death of more than one person. My first response is a resounding "NO!". But then my greed kicks in and I say yes. You can always tell who understands what an accountant does. Most people just think they are glorified data entry clerks. We will call them class "D", as in "D"uh, "D"oh, or "D"umb. The other group understands that a lot of education and continuing education, along with dashing good looks, and a great personality are required to be a good accountant. We will call them class "B", as in "B"reliant.

Class "B" clients need no further introduction. They are the greatest thing since sliced bread.

Class "D" clients on the other hand are the reason that cereal boxes contain instructions on how to eat cereal or that match boxes have a warning that the contents may cause fires. In fact, I may start a business that sells dehydrated water to these clients and then all they would have to do is add water.

As an accountant, I am hired to take THEIR financial information and prepare it in a way that is both legal and in accordance with IRS regulations, but also in the most beneficial way for the client. Where the problem arises, is when I let the client know what the service costs. You need to understand that I let the client know before I begin work, exactly what their return will cost. What I find amazing is that all class "D" clients swear that I never told them it would cost so much. What I find really funny, is the confused and bewildered expression on their face after I show them an engagement letter with their signature, which states they understand that the preparation of their return will cost $xx. To this day, I am unaware of a single signature magically appearing.

Once we get past the shock that they really do owe me money, then we get to the really fun part. Let me start with those getting a refund. They get so excited. I am the greatest person in the world (until they get my bill, then I am a crook and cheat). The other group, those owing money are even more funny. Most have to sit down on until the shock wares off. Very few people expect to pay more money at tax time.

I had one client that was surprised that he owed money, even though he didn't pay a single dime in taxes all year. He was even more upset that I would charge him for the time I spent doing HIS return because I couldn't get him a refund.

The next phase is the negotiation phase. (Sounds like the phases of mourning a lost family member.) They try and get me to alter numbers or deduct made up expenses. First of all, does this sound even remotely legal? Second of all, since when was a vacation to Tahiti a medical expense? I am amazed with what people think can be deducted. Here is a list of things that people have wanted me to deduct.

- Vacation to Tahiti
- Hot Tub
- New Car
- Imaginary medical bills
- Imaginary Children
- Business losses for business that never existed
- Grocery expenses

You get the idea. All I have to say is find another word in the English language that can make people cry in happiness and sadness. Yes I like taxes and yes I am a dork, but without me, you ...

...Actually, without accountants, you probably wouldn't pay your taxes, which although illegal, means you would probably have more money.

futboldan (a.k.a The big Dorky Accountant)

Daddy needs his diaper changed.

2006-03-25T21:33:00.000-08:00

To the embarrassment of most mothers, wives, girlfriends, or females in general, boys are proud of the potency of their internally produced methane. For millennia, women have been trying, unsuccessfully I might add, to eradicate the necessity of males to pass gas. Although they have not succeeded, they have, for the most part, turned it into an improper response to the belly rumble. Now days, you must "hold it in" until there is nobody around, thereby defeating the purpose of a really powerful display of flatual prowess. The only time that such a display is permissible in public, at least by most male's standards, is when you are with "the boys", in which case the general I.Q. totals to 10. (one for each guy, or two if you have a real brainer in the group).

Now that I have prefaced this story and the mood is set, I must let you know that my son is well on his way to becoming just like dad. As anybody who knows me can attest to, I have what most would call a "sensitive stomach". I myself call it hours of uncomfortable entertainment. I was walking to an accounting class one day and had a particularly entertaining tummy. Being the polite person that I am, I quickly glanced around to ascertain the whereabouts of any other lifeforms. Seeing none, I decided that it was time for a good personal laugh. Oh what a good time I had. What seemed like hours of heavenly bliss, really turned out to be a few beautiful seconds of auditory pleasure. That is until I heard the tittering giggles of an attractive junior behind me. Obviously I hadn't scanned the area thoroughly enough. Although I was a bit embarrassed, I new that if I just kept walking, I would never see this person again.

A couple hours later, with that moment of social destruction behind me, I walked into my advanced accounting coarse. As fate, karma, or sheer dumb luck would have it, who else would be in the class? None other than the attractive junior that had walked through my moment of indiscretion. Nothing more needs to be said. She laughed and pointed and I blanked out the rest of the day because of the emotional trauma I suffered when I realized it was her.

A second defining moment in my life occurred about an hour ago. Tannie, Austin and I were sitting down watching a movie and eating fast-food. Obviously, all the junk caused a little rumbly in my tumbly. After letting off a little of the internal pressure, Austin, at the direction of Tannie. proceeded to push up my shirt, pull back the wasteband of my pants and see if daddy needed his diaper changed.

Moral of the stories? Look both ways before passing gas and always have a spare diaper so that your son can change you in case of an accident.

futboldan (a.k.a. SBD)

I have a pain in my two-year old.

2006-03-20T11:49:00.000-08:00

Austin is the coolest little boy in the world. What makes him so cool is his innocence and innate happiness. Obviously, with two years under his belt, he is becoming wise to the ways of the world. He has come to the understanding that because of his age, people tend to take advantage of him. For example, if he has a plate of cookies (meaning that there is a plate of cookies anywhere in the house, whether intended for him or not), people (mom and dad) are always trying to take one from him. To make sure that he doesn't have his snacks and treats stolen, he has decided that the best way to hide them is to put them ALL in his mouth as fast as he can. If mom and dad should happen to get one before they are all in his mouth, then he sets off the high pitched scream alarm of death. Of course there is only one way to turn it off and that is to put the cookie you stole in his mouth.

I have also come to the conclusion that we have a packrat in the family. Tannie and I don't really save a lot of knick-knacks. Austin on the other hand, can remmeber exactly what he owns and where he last put it. I accidentally threw a football of his on the roof the other day, which Austin saw me do. After the initial trauma, I thought that he had forgotten the ball was up there. I was most assuredly wrong. Everytime we go outside, he looks up to the roof and calls for the ball. (It has yet to come down when he calls.)

What makes Austin the coolest kid is not the entertainment he provides, but the way he makes you feel. Allit takes is a lttle huck (hug in Austineese) or kiss and his yelling your name in excitement. Nothing feels better than the pure love of a son or daughter.

futboldan (aka Dan Smith)

Have you met my blog?

2006-03-16T13:46:00.000-08:00

This has got to be one of the coolest ideas ever. Not only can I bore people with the retelling of my life's stories, but now I can write them down and save them forever. Yippee!

Tannie, my wife, has got to be the coolest person in the world! Yes, the entire world! Not only is she a hotty, translated as babe, but she is also the most patient person I know. How many people could marry an Accountant (my profession) that used to be an artist and not go crazy. In other words, she has to put up with a messy, detail oriented person. Not only do I make a mess, but I make sure that every detail is messy.

I love my wife very much. She really is the love of my life. We met in high school and have been best friends ever since. I guess you could say we are "bff," but then I would have to call you gay and say that you sounded like a 13 year-old girl. So let's just say we are and always will be best friends.

Besides being my best friend and the source of my happiness, Tannie makes a great lover. Everybody but Tannie should plug there ears now, because this is only for Tannie to hear. ........-...................................----------.....................................--------------------------................ (that is what it sounds like with your ears plugged).

Tannie is also the worlds number one mom. Most women today find it degrading or demeaning to be a stay at home mom. Tannie has chosen to be one. I have always let her make the decision as to whether she stays at home with the kids, or goes to work. Becuase of her selfless nature and almost always putting the family before herself, Austin (our two-year old) and Logan (our unborn) have a mom that is dedicated to raising them according to our beliefs.

I wanted the world to have access to a brief introduction to what makes my life wonderful. Here it is. It isn't detailed or overly verbose, and there will be more details as I begin to put to words my thoughts and feelings, but I hope that all who read it can see that without Tannie, I would just be another misguided and unhappy soul. Thank you, Tannie, for helping me take the beginning steps to becoming the man I am supposed to be. I love you.

Futboldan (aka Dan Smith)